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FAQ Series: How to Get People to Listen

Guy 13 Comments

businesswoman with big earsOne of the questions we are often asked in both our Bud to Boss and Remarkable Communicator workshops is: “How do you get people to listen when they are set in their ways?”

Like so many questions related to leadership and communication, there’s a short answer and a more complete answer.

The short answer is: You can’t get another person to listen. They have to choose to listen.

The longer answer starts with the short answer and then amplifies it a bit. You can’t get another person to listen. You can behave in ways that invites them to listen so that they choose to listen.

In many cases, the reason that people don’t listen is that they don’t feel heard and understood. Their basic and fundamental need to be understood is not met, and they continue talking (in some cases they withdraw) until they feel that you have understood them.

The general principle to remember in the context of the question we’re answering in this post is this:

Until a person feels heard and understood, they find it difficult to hear and understand.

Unmet or unfulfilled needs create an internal, emotional pressure in people. This internal pressure causes people to focus on relieving the pressure by finding a way to fulfill their personal need. While they are focused on getting their need(s) fulfilled, they often cannot stop to focus on the needs of others. In order to listen, they have to stop long enough to focus – at least briefly – on the needs of others.

The fastest, most reliable way to help another person slow down enough to listen is to slow down enough to listen. In other words, you need to give to them what you want to receive in return.

When you have listened to them fully, you can then ask permission to share information with them. By asking permission to share information with them, you invite them into the conversation and you improve the likelihood that they will actually listen to what you have to say.

The communication flow could go something like this…

  • Listen fully and completely to their concerns and frustrations.
  • Show them that you understand by repeating back their concern. Ask them if you have understood correctly.
  • Ask them if you can share additional information with them.

While no communication technique will work with every person in every situation, this general strategy will work with many people in many situations.

And now we’d like to hear from you!

What communication techniques or strategies do you use in emotionally-charged or stressful conversations? Leave your answer in the comments below.

 

Filed Under: Coaching & Feedback, Difficult Situations, Management

About Guy

Guy Harris is a co-author of From Bud to Boss, a Certified Human Behavior Specialist, a Master Trainer in the DISC Model of Human Behavior, and a Conflict Resolution Subject Matter Expert

Comments

  1. Chris Bonney says

    June 4, 2015 at 2:18 pm

    It is a classic question and I love this answer! It’s a great tip. Sort of a “you get what you give” kind of approach which resonates with me and is something I’ll be working on getting better at immediately. Thanks for this and all your great articles. Really valuable stuff!!

    Reply
    • Adrienne Knox says

      June 4, 2015 at 2:54 pm

      Absolutely! And thank you for your kind words and feedback.

      Reply
  2. Shirley says

    June 4, 2015 at 3:22 pm

    This came at the perfect time for me. Dealing with someone who refuses to listen is very frustrating. I cannot wait to try this.

    Reply
    • Kevin Eikenberry says

      June 4, 2015 at 9:56 pm

      Awesome Shirley!

      Kevin 🙂

      Reply
  3. John Milne says

    June 4, 2015 at 7:17 pm

    Thanks Kevin. Listening is the forgotten gem. Appreciate you wisdom every week.
    Best wishes from Australia.

    Reply
    • Kevin Eikenberry says

      June 4, 2015 at 9:56 pm

      You are most welcome John – good to hear from you!

      Kevin 🙂

      Reply
  4. Rhonda Wainwright says

    June 5, 2015 at 1:29 am

    Informative thank you
    It is difficult to get staff to listen especially handover time with multiple interruptions, sometimes hand gestures for quiet to concentrate or ask to repeat
    We have a chatterbox manager who stands over staff & directs continually without giving staff time to do the things required or even to think or feedback.
    I have told her privately that God gave us 2 ears & 1 mouth for a reason & that usually makes her reflect & we have peace
    regards from Rhonda
    Sydney Australia

    Reply
    • Adrienne Knox says

      June 5, 2015 at 10:11 am

      Thank you for your feedback and additional insights, Rhonda!

      Reply
  5. Robert Jones says

    June 8, 2015 at 4:33 pm

    Great approach Kevin. It really works!

    Bob Jones

    Reply
    • Adrienne Knox says

      June 9, 2015 at 9:10 am

      Thanks Bob. Glad to hear it!

      Reply
  6. Dana Nelsen says

    June 11, 2015 at 5:37 pm

    I often use a technique where when I am done giving instruction or direction I will ask the person to tell me what they just heard. I set it up like this:

    “I know I just went over a number of things and it’s important we get this project done quickly but correctly. Sometimes what is said and what is heard can be 2 different things. Can you repeat back to me the major points of what you just heard so I know I did a good job of explaining it?”

    Reply
    • Laura Neidig says

      June 15, 2015 at 1:54 pm

      That is definitely a great tactic Dana! Thanks for reading!

      Reply
  7. Joy says

    January 25, 2018 at 2:21 pm

    Nice Tip!! It makes total sense, we get what we give. Thanks!

    Reply

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